A friend of mine shared a mind-blowing theory with me: all plants and trees are trying to kill us. They're just moving too slowly. Next time you're near a plant, really look at that plant. Note how it's reaching out for you, no doubt in the hopes of suffocating you with leaves, or strangling you with twisted vines. Note how their roots are trying to ensnare you, or rip up the concrete where you stand. Note how they're storing ammunition to fire at you, like acorns or pollen. Think about it. That's why whenever I see leaves on the ground, I look up to the nearby branches and shout "is that the best you got, mother fucker?"
When I take the elevator at work, there's a warped mirror facing me when I get to my floor. It makes me look shorter and fatter than I actually am. It's kind of like looking into the future, seeing what I'd look like after five or ten years of sitting at a computer all day long, only leaving my desk to enjoy "Donut Wednesdays." I've started taking the stairs.
The next hit biopic musical: "Sunday in the Pjark with Bjork."
Sitting in traffic yesterday, a woman driving next to me motioned toward my lane, wanting to get in front of me. I nodded as I rolled down the window, and I yelled "Please! You'll make a great addition to the team!" She drove on, as I shouted "We're in this together now! Don't let me down!"
Do pigs get turned on by mud wrestling?
All the knives in my kitchen are dirty, so I've been using scissors for everything. Making sandwiches is a lot of fun that way. I've got this great system where I open the scissors wide enough to dip one blade in the mustard and one in the mayo, simultaneously. Then I line up the pieces of bread just right so I can spread on two pieces at the same time. It's pretty time efficient, but cutting tomatoes with scissors is near impossible. Maybe I should buy a letter-opener.
Imagine the underage drinkers during prohibition. That's double the bad ass.
I really like wearing v-necks, but I feel bad for every other letter in the alphabet. When will clothing stores start selling k-necks? Also: how long before American Apparel steals this idea from me?
I recently joined an online dating site, and whenever I write somebody a message, I always end it by saying "it feels so good to be in love again."
During these tough economic times, it's important we still celebrate America's favorite holiday: Halloween. Here's a thrifty tip: buy one pumkin and use it for everything. Instead of buying candy for your trick-or-treaters, how about baking some fresh pumkin pie, using the innards of your jack-o-lantern? And who needs to buy a costume when you've got that jack-o-lantern, ready to be worn like a sticky mask? Now that's frugal and festive!
For the longest time, I thought my Facebook "profile photo" had to actually be the profile view of my face. I was embarrassed at first, but I think I'll look back on this mistake and be glad I got all those hand-painted silhouette portraits made.
I'd be really pissed if I was an old man, because I'm living in what I once called "the future," and it's pretty disappointing. Yes, I'm really excited about all these medical and informational advances. But I was promised some flying cars, damn it, and I don't see a single fucking one.