Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Rainy Day

For most San Franciscans, rain is like meteorological fireworks. Seriously, we get a light sprankle [sic] of water droplets every galactic year i.e. almost never, so the denizens of this city are collectively shitting themselves over today’s monsoon. When I went to get coffee this morning the doe-eyed hipster behind the counter said, “This is real rain!” like he was laying some Holmesian revelation on me, bless him. I took my coffee home and lit a bunch of ambrosia-scented candles so that my bedroom would smell like the food of the gods. Then I read some of Catullus’ more brusque sonnets in order to get myself into a state of psychological readiness for the day?

Catullus lived from 87 to 58 BCE. Keep that in mind while you read this sample of his work:

Improba Carmina

I will fuck you up the ass and in the mouth,

Aurelius you sodomized ass-licker

And Furius, you perverted cock-sucker

Who read my sensual poems and conclude
I'm too wanton.

For everyone knows
It's meet and proper for a poet to be

Pure, pious, and always correct in his behavior. 

But we don't expect the same of his poems. 

Of mine they'll say sure, they have wit, they have charm

They're so sexy and lewd they can 

Arouse – I won't say boys, but these hairy

Men whose unstiff dicks wilt on the vine.

You who have kissed many thousands of mouths

Upper and nether, man and girl,

How dare you think me less than manly?

I will fuck you up the ass and in the mouth.

Now I’m ready for you, world! And Mama Kantrowitz, if you're reading this, I'm embarrassed.


  1. How do you say "Fuck you up the ass and in the mouth" in Latin? Gonna bust that one out next time I'm in Vatican City.

  2. pedicabo ego uos et irrumabo.

    It rhymes in latin!

    I've looked at some other English versions of the poem, and one translator takes the line "Aureli pathice" and rewrites it as "Aurelius, you sodomized ass pony."

    Should we read that as: You sodomized ass-pony? Maybe sodomized-ass pony? I just don't know. Translation is fun!

    Another stellar final line from ad Cotonem:

    protelo rigido meo cecidi.
    I impaled him, lacking a weapon, on my rigid cock.