Monday, July 20, 2009

"This is when things get weird for you..."

I had a great Saturday night, and it wasn't until reflecting on it later (at approximately 3:AM over some one dollar burgers from Carl's) that I fully appreciated how bizarre things got.

Before I compile the List o' Strange, let me set things up: Colt 45 and Vice Magazine hosted a free gathering at Three of Clubs, with live music and DJs all night. Har Mar Superstar headlined, which right away should have tipped me off that this wouldn't be an ordinary evening.

Wasted Bracelet Bestower - Once the grumpy bouncer had checked IDs, he motioned us toward a woman to give us pink paper bracelets. The woman just stood there, eyes half-closed. After the bouncer yelled at her, she fumbled around my friends' wrists until the bracelets were sloppily attached. I, however, was not so lucky: she put mine on with such force it felt like she was trying to make a tourniquet.

Way Too Much Colt 45 - The event boasted they'd be serving free pints of Colt 45 'til 11:PM. When we got there the bar was all out, which was probably just as well. Quantity wins over quality when it comes to malt beverages, and they certainly weren't handing out 40s. Regardless, it was surreal to see hundreds of Colt cans crowding the tops of tables, and feel them crush under your feet every now and then.

This also meant that every napkin and coaster had a big picture of Billy Dee Williams' face, flashing that winning grin that won him a cushy gig in the Cloud City. There was even a life-size cut-out, with "Works Every Time" written on his chest.

A Bearded Rapper Who Resembled Tobias Funke - If David Cross gained some pounds, grew a long beard, and rapped about Los Angeles, then he'd pretty much be Jimmy Jamz of Brother Reade. I respected Jamz and DJ/producer Bobby Evans, (who looks a lot like Waldo without the winter hat) for their darker undertones, smart rhymes, and ability to get the crowd moving. Apparently they have an album out entitled Rap Music. Word.

Creepy Old Man Having A Blast - Lost in a sea of hipsters was a scrawny old man, who was having the time of his life. I guess I only call him "creepy" because he looked so out of place, but other than that he seemed pretty amiable.

When Jamz mingled with the audience while rapping (which he did frequently,) this old guy was right there next to him, bopping along with a pleasant smile. I'd give anything to know his story.

Moby Look-Alike - There was a dude who kinda looked like Moby. Or the dude from "Powder." That's all.

Girl With A Boyfriend Who Wanted Me To Grind With Them Both - For a chunk of Har Mar's set (I'll get to him,) an obnoxious couple was dancing in front of us. I don't blame them for dancing, everybody was, but they were pushing people out of the way to have more dance floor, and getting obnoxiously sensual with each other. Right in front of us. Come on now.

So when the girlfriend grabbed my shoulders in an effort to make a dancing sandwich out of herself, I naturally wasn't down. Therefore, I gave her a stern finger wag, in an effort to say "I apologize for not complying, but I prefer to leave your sandwich open-face." She was confused. It probably didn't help that my finger wagging was in time with the music. That's right, I become one of the many weird things about Saturday night.

Complete Lack of Air-Conditioning - Everybody knows that Los Angeles is a hot place, so why would you do this to us, Three of Clubs?

Saving Best for Last: Har Mar Superstar - There's a proper way to enjoy Har Mar Superstar: first, listen to his music. Enjoy his dancey, catchy pop, and his Prince-esque voice. Next, imagine what body you think that sexy vocals belongs to. Then find a picture of him. Finally, pick up the shattered pieces of your mind and attempt to go back to the life you once knew.

There's an irresistible juxtaposition between Har Mar's sex-obsessed lyrics and the fact that he looks like the cartoon version of Jon Luvitz from "The Critic." You can't help but listen in awe as he croons "I wanna taste your apple sauce" or turns to his band to shout "we are fucking awesome!" He even has a song with the chorus "I'm the fucking man." And when you see how he's able to get everybody in a room dancing, it's hard to disagree.

I'd heard crazy stories about Har Mar's live performances: how he strips down to his skivvies and makes out with girls in the audience. I didn't witness the latter, I can only assume it happened after the show.

At one point halfway through the set, wearing nothing but his undies and a bandanna around his neck, body glistening with sweat, Har Mar turned to the crowd and triumphantly yelped "This is when things get weird for you." He then jumped from the stage to sing/dance/mingle with the crowd. As Har Mar moved past me (and my female friends jumped behind me in fear of becoming his target,) our sweaty shoulders brushed, like two sopping mounds of Jello squeaking past each other.

As he returned to the stage, the dancing girlfriend in front of us proved she wasn't done being obnoxious. She pants'd Har Mar. Right in front of us. Come on now.

Check out event photos from ShadowScene.

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