Thursday, April 9, 2009

LOVE, AS DESCRIBED BY THREE DIFFERENT SPECIES

Lion

Ever since I broke wit my pride a few weeks ago (fuck them bitches, they don’t know fuck about shit) I been crusing all ‘round the veldt looking to get my freak on with a sweet hot honey or two. Three days ago I met this nasty piece of leonine ass name of Denise. Girl was rolling with a few cubs...can’t truck with that shit, so I straight murdered ‘em, ate ‘em, all that. She got sore, but girl needed to make herself some new youngins, so she got all kinds of horny for yours truly.

We been fucking at fifteen minute intervals since like, I dunno, maybe Tuesday? Hard to keep track, I ain’t slept in a while, but she can’t get enough o’ my shit and I can’t get enough o’ her. She play it rough like ladies do, smacking me with her claws and all, but I bring it right back to her, what with my penis having them outward-facing barbs. Yeah it hurt, but shit makes her estrus-out like woah.

Emperor Penguin

Sir Densby is a well-bred, magnanimous young gentleman, a fine lover and a most reliable guarder of eggs. Last week while swimming for carp, I noticed him dithering about the colony, placing his head on his chest and giving an assured, mellifluous mating call. I quickly swam back upon solid ice and responded to his song (Lady Oblimshire shot me a frightfully disapproving glance, having been Sir Densby’s mate the spring prior. But such is love on the arctic rim.) He bowed, I bowed, and we stared at one another for perhaps seven minutes or so.

When I laid down and opened my cloaca to him, it was perhaps the most magical three-quarter minutes of my life. My egg has been gestating since, and I will lay it quite soon. I trust he will not drop nor kill our child, for his wing is strong, and his feet warm.

Bees

So fuckin’ we were hanging at the hive right, same fuckin’ drone party like it is every night at that place, no action, no kicks, no fuckin’ nothing, when this chick flies by. She’s something, man, and every drone in that fuckin’ place can see it, I’m talkin’ about a stinger that could kill a God damn bull. So we all start stirrin’ and shit and ‘fore you know it we’re all beating on each other like it’s fucking All Souls’ day or something, but I manage to get my shit outta there and start chatting the bitch up.

“Yo,” I says.

“Yo,” she says.

“You into me?” I says.

“You’re all right,” she says.

“So you wanna start making some jelly or something?” I says.

She was moving her antennae around and I think that meant she was laughing, ‘cause then she was all “Yeah, why the fuck not?”

So we start fuckin’ right, and I’m in there real good, but then I realize that my dick is stuck inside of her, so I start trying to pull away, ‘cause I don’t know what the fuck’s going on. She’s flying around, I’m on top of her trying to get away, and fuckin’ I can’t get out, so finally I break my dick off and fall to the ground. So she flies away with my dick in her shit and now I’m all on the dirt here dying. But fuck, those first few minutes man, that girl treated my shit right.

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